I’m not consistent. I’ve made that claim on here several times and tried to explain away a very large gap in my posting. To be honest, my priority for running this blog hasn’t been quite as high as actually getting work done on my novel, but that all sort of derailed around March.
In March I had one of those big-life-change moments, I found out I was pregnant. Not a bad my-life-is-over surprise, just a tad unanticipated (though not strictly avoided) sort of surprise. I wanted kids, my husband wanted kids, this was the life we wanted. I did not, however, look forward to the growing and birthing part of it. This led to a lot of panic, stress, anxiety, fear…just a lot of bad emotions that kept me from doing a lot of things I enjoyed. But that’s just me, I was always going to gravitate toward the negative.
I had to be induced and so went into labor a month early, the 36 week mark (for those that don’t know, that is technically one week premature), which led to my daughter staying in the NICU for 26 days. She’s home now. Healthy and happy. But I still haven’t found my stride. I still can’t quite get back into anything I enjoyed.
Change is difficult for me. Most of my energy is spent catching up. She’s a really easy baby. I had a really easy pregnancy. I had a really easy delivery. And yet I’m struggling.
I miss writing. I miss my characters and the stories I want to write for them. There were so many worlds I wanted to explore. I want to finish my current novel so I can move on to others that I’ve brainstormed and toyed with. There are unread books stacking up on my ‘to read’ shelf. I seem to prefer throwing on a favorite show and binging. A task that doesn’t require any emotional or mental effort from me, and so a lazy escape.
That’s it. I’m a mother now and it’s weird. It’s hard to explain how it is for me, but it’s nothing like television. As I kept repeating to the nurses while I was in labor, nothing was happening the way TV shows it. I imagine it’s different for everyone, though. I might make a separate post about all the un-television-like aspects because, honestly, there are some things that I think first time mothers need to hear. Things that aren’t said or brought up that you don’t expect. But this is not a maternity blog and I am loath to start one.
We’ll see. For now, that’s the update on my situation and why I’ve been absent for so long. And why I will continue to be absent until I can catch up to life again.